Today is going to be very hard to get through. Today is the day that I should have been starting week 20 of my pregnancy. We should have been finding out if we were going to have a little boy or a little girl. None of this is happening and it breaks my heart. I’ve been feeling a little better about things lately but today just brings me back down. I wish things didn’t go wrong. I wish people would stop telling me that things happen for a reason. I wish I still had my baby. Maybe our mini-vacation will help me forget about the pain for a little while. I hope so.
So AF came and went after 10 days which unfortunately is not unusual for me. However, over the weekend I started to have random, sharp pains on my left side that lasted for 2 days. I know this can be a sign of ovulation but I’m not sure what’s really going on. I also have been spotting on and off for the past 4 days. I had made a doctor’s appointment for this morning but had no spotting yesterday, so I cancelled. The spotting has returned today so I’m thinking maybe I should have kept the appointment. Has anyone experienced this after a miscarriage? I know it takes time for the body to readjust but I’ve never had this happen before. Maybe I’ll be calling the doctor back and making another appointment…
Finally something fun and exciting to report! Evan and I have decided to take advantage of our close proximity to California and take a road trip over Memorial Day weekend. I just booked the hotels and am trying to figure out some fun things to do. I already know that we are going to drive up to Disneyland from L.A. for a day. I’ve been to Disney World countless times, so I’m excited to see what Disneyland has to offer. I’m such a big kid 🙂 We plan on doing the usual touristy things in L.A. – check out the Hollywood Walk of Fame (our hotel is only a half a mile away from it), see the Hollywood sign, go on a tour of stars’ home, walk along Rodeo Drive and hopefully check out one of the beaches. Evan has a friend from high school who lives there and works for a production studio – maybe he’ll want to give us a backstage tour?! If only we could get so lucky. We’ll spend Thursday night through Sunday morning in L.A. On Sunday morning, we’ll be driving to San Diego and spending a day there before we head back to Arizona on Monday. The only thing I’m sad about is that we have to leave our puppies with a new boarder. I hope they do ok. I always feel like a bad parent when I leave them. It’s hard to see them looking so sad – they always make me cry. Also, we just got a new camera, the Nikon D3000, so I’m looking forward to taking some great pictures with it. I’ll be sure to post some when we get back!
Other updates – I head in for my pre-employment interview with the Child Development Center tomorrow. I had to scrounge up 2 references this week which was a challenge. My friend wrote my personal reference and my favorite college professor wrote my other one. I was very touched by the letter – my professor wrote that she still uses some of my papers and lesson plans as examples for her classes! It’s nice to know that all of my hard work is still appreciated. I miss school!!
Cycle day 13 is fast approaching which means starting to use the OPK again. I’ve tried (and wasted a lot of money) these before and I never got a positive. I’m hoping that this time is different!
Evan and I were invited out to dinner last night for one his classmate’s birthday. I was excited to go, try out a new restaurant, and meet some new people. Since we had a big group, we had to wait in the lobby so the staff could get the tables ready. As we were waiting, one of Evan’s classmates was talking about how she’s pregnant and how she just had her 12 week appointment. She acted like it was no big deal – she’s like “Yeah they gave us some pictures and stuff and that’s about it”. I tried so hard to hold back the tears but I could feel them coming so I had to walk outside to get some air. Evan didn’t seem to understand why I was so upset. I told him it was because when we went for our ultrasound appointment, we didn’t get to see anything. We weren’t sent home with pictures, we were sent home with a referral for surgery. I know it’s hard for him to understand how I’m feeling because this has affected me a lot more than it has him. I’m a sensitive person to begin with and this situation has just made me all the more sensitive. We’re supposed to go to a pancake breakfast next weekend with the same group of people but I know I’m going to feel embarrassed because of the situation last night. Sometimes it feels like I just can’t win….
Evan and I were married in December 2006 but he deployed in January 2007 so we had to put our baby making plans on hold until he got back 15 months later. Now I always felt deep down that we would have problems conceiving. My cycles have always been long and irregular – sometimes lasting 14 days or not happening for 2 or 3 months. Since Evan was deploying, I took myself off of birth control right after the wedding, hoping that my cycles would even out while he was gone. We started trying right after he came back which was a little over 2 years ago. My cycles got out of control again but Tricare refused to refer me to a specialist because we hadn’t been trying for a year yet even though things were obviously not right.
Finally after a lot of crying in the doctor’s office a year later, the doctor finally gave me the referral I was waiting for. It took almost a month and half to get the referral approved and an appointment made. We were so excited to finally see someone who knew what they were talking about. I had a bunch of blood tests done before we went so he’d know what was going on. We finally got into see the doctor and I think he spent a total of 5 minutes with me. (I’ve suspected for awhile that I may have PCOS but he didn’t want to hear any of that). He prescribed Provera to bring on a cycle and told us he’d see us in 3 months. He hardly looked at the bloodwork I had done, didn’t want to examine me, nothing. Of course the Provera didn’t work and they refused to see me until the 3 month mark. They gave me some kind of shot which was supposed to bring on a cycle and it did finally. I started Clomid and I had asked if they needed for me to check in with them while I was taking it and they said no. 4 cycles of Clomid later plus 10 extra pounds (ugh), I finally got a positive test on Feb 7. We were beyond excited and kind of shocked.
Fast forward to March 25th for my 11 week appointment – it should have been a week later but we were getting ready to move to Arizona. The doctor pulled out the u/s machine so we could see our baby for the first time. As she was getting the equipment ready, a strange feeling came over me that we were going to get bad news. She couldn’t find anything in the sac and immediately sent me to radiology. They couldn’t find anything either. I was so confused and frustrated because I suffered such bad all day sickness and was puking my brains out for the last month. After seeing yet another doctor, we were told that I had a missed miscarriage. The OB found the baby within the sac but baby stopped growing at almost 7 weeks. Unfortunately, my body didn’t get the memo because I had nausea up until the day of my D&C.
I had the D&C done on April 2 – just a week before we were scheduled to drive across the country to Arizona. I had no complications or side effects from the procedure which I’m thankful for. A month later and I still feel bitter and sad. I can’t seem to lose the weight that I gained from the drugs which is making me even more angry. I eat healthy and work out religiously every day. I’m tired of feeling this way and am ready to start feeling normal again. I hope it happens soon because I don’t like the person I’ve become.
We’re going to try again this month and I’m happy that we’ve been cleared to try again so soon. I’m scared though about what will happen when we get pregnant again. I know I’m going to be nervous and anxious until we get to see the baby on the ultrasound. I will try my hardest to protect this baby and give him/her what they need. I hope we get the chance soon.
I have been feeling a mix of emotions over the last couple of days. I’ve been happy, sad, angry, nervous, and frustrated about different things. I really should stop checking Facebook, or start hiding people. I found out that another friend is pregnant. I’m happy for her but at the same time frustrated because she already has a 1 year old son and I can’t even have 1 baby.
I had my job interview last Friday. I was very surprised when I showed up and found out that there were 10 people interviewing for 6 spots. The program director said that she wouldn’t make decisions for a week or two. If I’m chosen, it still would be another month before I could actually work. There’s an extensive background check done first and then a bunch of training that has to be completed. I’m just ready to work! We’re not going to be here very long but I’m ready to get out of the house and start earning some money. I feel like I contribute nothing as far as money goes. I worked in GA but had to stop because of the crazy pregnancy nausea/vomiting/dizziness/blah blah blah.
Evan and I went to a briefing tonight about how the Army will choose where we go after the career course. The brief was informative and everything was going great until the guy running it said that the husbands needed to let their instructor know if their wife was pregnant. He’s like “We don’t want to send you to a new duty station right away when the career course is over if your wife is 8 and a half months pregnant”. It took everything in me not to start crying right then and there because that would have been our situation if it wasn’t for the miscarriage. Every time I start to feel “ok” with the situation, something comes up to remind me of what we should have had.
Good news finally… AF finally made an appearance today! I was hoping that it would come back on it’s own instead of having to take pills to start it up. We’ve both agreed that we will start trying again next cycle. Hopefully things go well and I won’t need to go to the RE. I’m hoping and praying that this will happen for us!