Is this really happening again?

I thought the next time I talked about pregnancy would be to announce it when I got to 13 weeks. Unfortunately, I had to take myself to the ER yesterday afternoon because I started to have cramping and spotting yesterday morning. Definitely a pregnant woman’s worst nightmare. The doctors drew a ton of blood then made me sit in a little room for about 3 hours until anyone other than a nurse came to see me. The PA told me that I was never pregnant to begin with. I called him on it. I told him that I had 5 positive home pregnancy tests (I know a little excessive but I wanted to be sure) plus a positive blood test on Monday from my PCM. Stupid little man. He came back and told me that he read the results wrong and I did in fact have levels of HCG in my blood. No crap. The real doctor finally came in and she told me that I would have to have a pelvic exam to check my cervix and uterus and then go in for an ultrasound. The pelvic exam was uncomfortable because there were 2 people poking and prodding down there. I guess the PA is training so he had to have a crack at everything. I was wheeled down for the ultrasound and had to wait in the hall because another lady was getting one done. Of course she got to come out with ultrasound pictures of her perfect baby. My results didn’t show anything. An ectopic pregnancy hasn’t been ruled out yet. I have to go back tomorrow for another blood draw and ultrasound after my HCG levels have been determined. I’ve been bleeding since noon yesterday and just started passing clots. I can’t believe that I have had to experience not one but two losses in the matter of 7 months. It makes it even harder that Evan is not here for support.

I’m a mess of emotions now. I’m sad, mad, and frustrated. I want a baby so bad and I don’t know why it’s (1) so hard to get pregnant in the first place and (2) why I can’t seem to stay pregnant. I’ve been on the phone all morning with my doctor and insurance to try and push through my OB referral because I need to follow up with someone other than the ER next week. As much as I don’t want to, I think we’re going to have to take a few months off from TTC. My heart, mind and body are exhausted. I don’t know that I could take another loss this year. I’m emotionally lost and hurt.

7 thoughts on “Is this really happening again?

  1. Aly

    I am so sorry to hear this. How far along were you supposed to be? Not that this matters, I'm just hoping maybe there is a shred of hope that you can hold on to, maybe just maybe, you were too early to see anything on ultrasound. I know several women that has happened to, but I don't want to give you false hope either. KWIM? You will be in my thoughts. ***hugs***

  2. Jen

    😦 I am sooo sorry! Feel free to email me I have had 3 miscarriages in the span of 1 year (all last year) and for me it helped to talk to someone who has been through it. I am soooo very sorry! (((HUGS)))

  3. Lauren

    Since my cycles are so irregular, it's hard to pinpoint exactly how far along I was. If we went by my LMP, then I would have been about 5 and a half weeks. If we went by when I believe I ovulated, then I would only be 4 and a half weeks. I'm praying that my betas go up tomorrow but I'm not very optimistic about this. Thank you both for your thoughts.

  4. Kelly

    I'm so sorry Lauren. I know what you're going through. I've been there twice myself. I'll be thinking of you. I know it must be hard going through it alone. If you need anything, you can always call me. Let me know how things go tomorrow. I'll be thinking about you. If you weren't so far away, I'd go with you.


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