I got an email on Wednesday from a fellow Army wife who I met when we were stationed in Georgia. Her and her husband recently PCSed but we have kept in touch through email and Facebook. She was very supportive and concerned when I had my second miscarriage in November. She told me that she was went through her second miscarriage about 2 weeks ago. My heart goes out to her and her family. I know the pain that she is going through and I wish I could do more for her. She’s currently on the wait list to be seen by the fertility specialist out there but I know firsthand how long the wait could possibly be for her. She was told that they won’t run any tests on her to determine why she could be miscarrying until she’s had 3 losses. I’ve also been told the same exact thing. Why should the policy be written this way? Why should women (and their families) have to be put through the pain of 3 losses before anything further can be done?
We’ve also been talking back and forth about how our feelings have changed over the years. When I got pregnant the first time, I was beyond excited. I couldn’t believe that I was finally getting what Evan and I were waiting for for so long. When I miscarried, I felt depressed, angry, and confused. It was so hard to get pregnant in the first place. Why shouldn’t I be allowed to have this baby? Why is it so easy for other women? What did I do to deserve the pain and heartache? Why shouldn’t I be allowed to be a mother?
When I found out I was pregnant again in October, I felt sheer terror. I was constantly questioning my symptoms and then the lack of symptoms a few days later. I took pregnancy test after pregnancy test so I could see that second line and be reassured that there was in fact a baby in there. I was constantly worrying and when I started to miscarry, I felt numb. I couldn’t believe that this was happening again but I didn’t want to feel the same way as I did before. My friend confessed that she hasn’t cried about this loss, she just feels angry. I told her that I didn’t really cry about my second one either. I still resent what has happened though. I’m sure if I get pregnant again, the anxiety and uncertainty will kick in again. I just really want this to happen for Evan and I and for all those other women out there who want a baby and have been trying so hard to make it happen. We deserve to be mothers too.