It’s Friday which means it’s time for the Milspouse Friday Fill-In. Head over to Wifey’s blog to learn more and to link up your blog.
A. Age when you started TTC: 24
B. Baby Dancing or Sex: Sex.
C. Children wanted: At this point, I’d be happy with 1, but I’ve always wanted 3. We’ll see what happens.
D. Dogs/Cats/Fill in Children: 2 dogs – Bella and Murphy.
E. Essential Oils/Vitamins/Snake Oils: Snake oils?? I’ve never heard of women using this for TTC. Someone enlighten me. I’ve been taking prenatal vitamins everyday for the past 3 years. Every time I finish another 100 count bottle I get more depressed.
F. Fertility Meds I’ve taken: C.lomid, M.etformin, G.onal-F, P.rovera, O.vidrel, E.ndometrin, and currently waiting on AF to show so I can start F.emara.
G. Gain: I gained about 10 when I was on C.lomid for 4 cycles when we lived in Georgia. I lost the weight when I was pregnant and was constantly throwing up. After the miscarriage, I probably gained most of it back and then lost it over the next year. I gained some again after being on the injectibles but have lost it again.
H. HSG (Hystosalpingogram): Haven’t had this done but it’s probably in my near future once the cycle from hell #2 is finally over.
I. Infertile Pet Peeves: Where to begin? I can’t stand when people tell me: It’ll happen when the time is right, things always happen for a reason (this was in regards to both my miscarriages), At least you know you can get pregnant (again several people told me this after both miscarriages), Just relax, Why don’t you just adopt.
J. Job title: Full time master’s student. School has taken over my life.
K. Kid’s names you’re afraid will be taken by the time you can use them: We’ve had our boy’s name picked out since my first pregnancy: Joshua Michael. As far as the girl’s name, we haven’t settled on a definite one. My current favorites are Abigail Noelle and Julia Noelle.
L. Length of time TTC: Just passed the 3 year mark at the beginning of the month.
M. Miscarriages: Unfortunately 2. My first was discovered March 25, 2009 at 11 weeks. Missed miscarriage. My second was discovered on November 4, 2010. Chemical pregnancy.
N. Number of times you’ve switched OB/GYNS, REs, FSs: 3 in 2 years…an OB/GYN in Georgia, then an RE in Arizona, now another RE here in North Carolina.
O. Ovarian quality: As far as I know it’s good.
P. POAS or wait for AF: Since my cycles are unpredictable, I usually POAS after cd 35. This usually is the signal for AF to start.
Q. Quote from an obnoxious fertile: I can’t think of anything in particular right now but I’ll get back to you on this one.
S. Sperm: The last SA showed that we have no problems there.
T. Time you tried naturally: 1 year. If I had it my way, it would have been shorter but T.ricare requires couples to wait a year before they’ll approve an infertility referral.
U. Uterus quality: To be determined I suppose. Since I’ve only had 2 losses, my doctors haven’t been inclined to determine why I can’t stay pregnant.
V. Vagina: She’s tired of dates with Wandy.
W. What baby stuff do you already have?: Two close friends from Georgia made me a beautiful baby basket before we were getting ready to PCS. It was filled with newborn diapers, wipes, some onesies, receiving blankets, and burp cloths. I found the basket hidden behind some things in my closet last week. Talk about depressing.
X. X-tra X-tra Hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of our crazy TTC journey? My best friend is one of the only people who actually knows everything that has gone on for the past 3 years. I’ve found that a lot of people are either uncomfortable about the topic or just flat out don’t care.
Y. Yearly Exam (do you still go in even though someone sees your lady parts most months?): Yep
Z. Zits: Yes, the M.etformin makes me break out like a 13 year old. Ironically I never had zits before starting this med a year ago.
I think I’ve mentioned my friend Katie and her blog in a previous post but I wanted to share their story with my readers again because Katie’s blog has been nominated for a blogging award at the 6th annual Milblogging Conference in Washington, D.C.
Today kicks off National Infertility Awareness Week. I wanted to share an article from the Resolve website that informs individuals about what NOT to say to couples dealing with infertility. Infertility is still considered to be a taboo topic but more people need to be made aware of its prevalence in today’s society. 1 in 8 couples are diagnosed with infertility. I’m one of those 8.
Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.
Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn’t coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.
The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy’s nose and daddy’s eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.
As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.
A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:
- They will eventually conceive a baby.
- They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
- They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.
Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don’t know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.
Don’t Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she “relaxed.” Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of “relaxing” are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as “infertile” until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren’t infertile but just need to “relax.” Those that remain are truly infertile.
Comments such as “just relax” or “try going on a cruise” create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, “If you just relaxed on a cruise . . .” Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.
Don’t Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone’s life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.
Comments like, “Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.,” do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn’t tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father’s Day or Mother’s Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn’t even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.
Don’t Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don’t tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the “worst” thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?
Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the “worst” thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the “worst” thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the “worst” thing that could happen.
People wouldn’t dream of telling someone whose parent just died, “It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead.” Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don’t tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.
Don’t Say They Aren’t Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, “Maybe God doesn’t intend for you to be a mother.” How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don’t you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn’t he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren’t religious, the “maybe it’s not meant to be” comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.
Don’t Ask Why They Aren’t Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man’s sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, “Why don’t you just try IVF?” in the same casual tone they would use to ask, “Why don’t you try shopping at another store?”
Don’t Be Crude
It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don’t make crude jokes about your friend’s vulnerable position. Crude comments like “I’ll donate the sperm” or “Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination” are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.
Don’t Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.
The number one rule is DON’T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don’t put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.
Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, “I’d gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby.” When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, “I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes.”
I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends’ new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend’s emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can’t bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn’t rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.
Don’t Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don’t follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn’t ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.
Let’s face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.
Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to “dream” about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.
Don’t Gossip About Your Friend’s Condition
Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.
Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband’s sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend’s privacy, and don’t share any information that your friend hasn’t authorized.
Don’t Push Adoption (Yet)
Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a “stranger’s baby,” they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy’s eyes and Mommy’s nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, “Why do you want to adopt a baby?” Instead, the question was, “Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?” Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.
You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn’t her “own,” then adoption isn’t the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.
Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, “Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.”) However, “pushing” the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.
So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say “I am giving you this baby,” there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn’t your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.
Let Them Know That You Care
The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren’t going through this alone.
Remember Them on Mother’s Day
With all of the activity on Mother’s Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother’s Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.
Mother’s Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother’s Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven’t “forgotten” them.
Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments
No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy’s nose and daddy’s eyes.
Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don’t encourage them to try again, and don’t discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don’t try to open that chapter again.
1. What is your favorite Easter tradition?
Since we don’t have any kids yet, Evan and I haven’t really established an Easter tradition yet. My favorite tradition from when I was younger was just the whole day and all the activities and events going on. I remember getting up in the morning, dressing up in my “Sunday best” outfit, and heading to church for the 7:30 service. After church was over, my parents would take me and my brother to I HOP for a special breakfast. When we would get home, we could run around the house to find all the hidden Easter eggs and to look at the baskets that the Easter bunny left for us. Finally, we would have an early dinner – honey baked ham, mashed potatoes, buttered rolls, and creamed corn. I hope to start our own Easter traditions soon!
2. Are you a “shower” or a “long, hot bath” kind of person?
Definitely a shower person all the way. Just the idea of a bath grosses me out. Who wants to sit in dirty water?
3. Can you parallel park and if so when is the last time you did it?
I have no parallel parking skills. When I took driver’s ed in high school, my teacher was one of three high school teachers who were certified to administer the driving test and issue a driver’s license to students. Unfortunately for me (good at the time though), we weren’t required to parallel park. Thankfully, we don’t live in a large city so parallel parking opportunities are few and far between so I don’t have to do it often.
4. What is your favorite Easter candy?
What isn’t my favorite Easter candy? I love candy! If I had to pick some favorites they would be Starburst jellybeans and peanut butter eggs.
5. Easter: do you go all out with the Easter bunny or do you focus on the religious part of the holiday?
It was a mix of religion and the Easter bunny when I was younger.
It’s been another long and crazy week around here and I’m so glad that it’s finally Friday. I started my observation hours for 2 of my classes and so far my cooperating teacher is wonderful. The not so wonderful part – writing papers and working on the projects that go along with the observations. I also realized earlier in the week that this deployment is really getting to me. Maybe the medicine is just messing with me but I’ve been an emotional wreck. One minute I feel alright and the next I feel like crying. I haven’t been sleeping well which is probably putting me on edge also. My anxiety attacks are also back. This is the last day I have to take the pills so hopefully I’ll start feeling better in the next few days.
2. What are your favorite projects to do while hubby is away? submitted by my-inspired-nest