One year ago

This time last year I was sitting in the ER on post waiting to miscarry. E was away for training. I was alone and scared. We had just recently moved back here and I didn’t know anyone so I had to sit in the ER by myself for more than 8 hours. I was told by the PA that I wasn’t pregnant even though I knew I was. I was told by the ER doctor that I had a threatened miscarriage even though I knew it was over. I had been passing clots all day. The home pregnancy tests were getting lighter and lighter each day. There was no hope that this baby would survive.

One year later, I’m still not pregnant. None of our treatments have worked. I’ve stuck myself with countless needles, have had more encounters with “wandy” than I’d like to admit, have gained weight due to medications and depression, and have experienced 3 cysts bursting at one time. I just started a new bottle of prenatal vitamins. I don’t even know how many bottles I’ve gone through in the past 3 and a half years. Every time I open a new one I think to myself, “Maybe I’ll only have to take these for another 9 months, then I can take a break from them”. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
I’m angry because we’ve had to put TTC on hold for 6 months. I’m worried that IVF won’t work. I’m scared to find out whether I’ll have the strength to go through another round of IVF or if we’ll start looking into adoption. I just want my baby please.
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8 thoughts on “One year ago

  1. Sailor's Sweetheart

    Oh gosh, my heart breaks for you. I can't even imagine going through a miscarriage, especially alone. I hope you get your blessing soon! "You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only option."

    Reply
  2. JustHeather

    I'm so sorry, Lauren. We're at 3years and 3months of TTC #1 and nothing for us either. I too am starting to worry and fear that IVF won't work for us either, but I'm still not ready to look into adoption or if it is even a viable option for us. I hurt for you and with you.

    Reply
  3. ~she~

    I am so sorry you had to go through that alone! It would be nice if the military had a program that would supply a needed friend for people who are alone on base. I would have volunteered to sit with you, attempting to calm your nerves, and trying to help you through it. I wish you the very best in whatever path you end up taking.

    Reply
  4. Ericka

    Lauren – I have no idea what exactly Nurse D has in store for me….I am supposed to call her on CD 1. I have to go pick up my Provera tomorrow. We should get together sometime…I hope that the IVF works for you and I hope you get your take home baby soooo soon. 🙂

    Reply
  5. Brittany

    My heart always goes out to you, friend. As someone who also sat in the ER for that long alone & afraid almost two years ago, I can completely understand the pain that never quite leaves. I wish we had known each other then, because I would have been by your side in a heart beat! I think of you every day and am sending big arrow prayers up to the sky that something works out for you soon. Hugs & loves to you.

    Reply

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