The holidays are upon us once again. Where did the time go? It’s feels like we were just celebrating Christmas and New Year’s not too long ago.
Now this post may make me seem like an ungrateful person at times, but it’s my blog and how I truly feel, so here it goes.
I’m upset that this is our 4th Thanksgiving and Christmas that we have to spend childless. This time last year, I envisioned being pregnant again or having our first child by this point. Every time I turn on the television, there are holiday commercials where families are gathered around the holiday table or opening presents next to a beautifully decorated Christmas tree. Why can’t E and I experience that? Will we ever get the opportunity to experience that?
I envisioned buying cute little onesies that read “My First Thanksgiving” or “My First Christmas”. I envisioned buying baby’s first stocking and baby’s first Christmas ornament to place on our tree right next to the ornament I bought last year to honor our two angel babies.
When discussing holiday plans with my dad the other week, he mentioned inviting my aunts, uncles, and cousins to the house for dinner on Christmas evening. I told him that I wouldn’t feel comfortable with it. Why you may be asking? It’s your family, isn’t it? I don’t want all the questions – Why haven’t you had any kids yet? When will you start trying? It’s definitely not appropriate at Christmas to start balling my eyes out and saying that we’ve been trying for almost 4 years and that we’ve lost 2 precious babies so far, is it?
Some people might be thinking – you have a great husband, two dogs, your own house, and good friends. Why can’t that be enough? I love and appreciate my family and friends as well as everything else that is in my life at the moment, but it’s simply not enough. My life will not be complete until we have children. There’s a piece of my heart that’s empty and only children will fill it. I’ve wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember, so no, my life the way that it is right now is not enough.
Well that’s all I have to say on that matter at the moment because I’m getting far too emotional at the moment to write anymore.
Here are some things I am grateful for this year:
- My wonderful husband, E. I don’t know what I would do without you. I love you with all my heart.
- My friends both far and near; old and new; real-life and through my blog and Twitter. You all play an important role in my life. You offer me support, love, and compassion when I need it.
- Bella and Murphy – my two crazy puppies. You’re both a constant source of entertainment and comfort to me.
- Dr. P, Nurse D, and the nurses – Even though I haven’t gotten pregnant yet, I know that you’re all hoping for the best for me and do everything in your power to help me get pregnant again. I’ve never had a better experience with a clinic before.
- My education – I’ve been blessed with the opportunity to go back to school to earn my teaching certification as well as my Master’s degree. I’ve met and worked with some fabulous teachers and students and am looking forward to student teaching in the spring and finally graduating in June.
I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving. Enjoy the time spent with your families and friends. Cherish the moments and memories that will be made.