Today marks the two year anniversary of losing our first angel baby. Two years later and we’re still not holding our own little miracle. Two years later and it still hurts as much as it did when we found out our pregnancy was no longer viable. Two years later and we still miss and think about our little one on a regular basis. Mommy and Daddy will never forget you.
It’s been quite some time since I’ve written a post. So many thoughts have been floating around in my head, but I’ve been finishing up the winter quarter while student teaching full time for the past 3 weeks. I’ve also been trying to wrap my head around this upcoming IVF cycle. I started BCP about 3 weeks ago – right after our last IUI failed. E and I both went in for required blood tests last week. His came back perfectly normal; however, my results revealed a slightly under active thyroid. I’ve been put on S.ynthroid to see if we can get my levels back where they need to be.
My baseline ultrasound and orientation is still scheduled for April 20th – only a month away at this point. I received the paperwork from the IVF clinic at the beginning of the week so I guess this means that this is really happening.
4 years ago when we started TTC, I never thought we would have to resort to IVF. I knew there were going to be some challenges ahead, but never thought there would be this many. As the second anniversary of my first miscarriage looms in the not so distant future, I think to myself – “Will I have a baby by the time this date rolls around next year?”
I’ve also been struggling with the decision of when to call it quits. After almost 4 years of treatments, heartbreak, and constant disappointment, where do we draw the line? E and I have talked and this IVF cycle may be our first and only. If it fails and we were able to freeze embryos, then we will do FET until we get our baby or there are no more. We’ve started to talk about adoption as the next step. However, this may be a challenge since we’re a military family and already know that we will be moving twice in the next two years.
I’ve essentially stopped logging onto F.acebook to protect my heart. Every time I log on, I seem to come across yet another pregnancy announcement. I’m so tired of seeing friends who have lapped me – sometimes not once, but twice – and feeling jealous about it. Am I a bad friend for feeling this way? Sometimes I think I am. Sometimes I don’t think I am. I guess it just depends on the day. I guess all I can do is hope and pray that this works out for us in April/May because this very well might be our last shot at having a biological child to call our own.
E and I came to a decision on Sunday night about what to do about this cycle. If you remember in my last post, we weren’t sure whether or not to proceed with another injectable cycle. We decided that the best decision for us was to take a break in between this failed IUI cycle and our IVF cycle. I’m just not in the right mental or emotional state to make it through another potential failed cycle.
This self-imposed break will give me an opportunity to drop a few pounds from the meds and emotional eating (especially over the past few days). Hopefully I can recover from the heartbreak of this failed cycle and get into the right state of mind (whatever that entails) for our IVF cycle.
I spoke to Nurse D yesterday afternoon and we now have a game plan. First, E and I both need to have some blood tests run. I went into the lab and gave away seven vials of blood this morning, so hopefully my results will come back soon. E will be going later in the week depending on his work schedule. I will start birth control pills starting tomorrow. Instead of working through the whole pack, I will only take the active pills up until my baseline ultrasound, which is scheduled for the morning of April 20. I will also have my injections class that morning, even though I already understand the basics of mixing up the drugs. I would assume injections would begin the following day; however, this probably depends on the results of my ultrasound. From what I can remember, the tentative date for the egg retrieval will be May 6.
I guess I feel a little bit better about the looming IVF cycle now that we have a plan in place. I was really hoping that this last IUI cycle would have turned out differently, but it didn’t. At times I feel like I can do nothing right when it comes to this infertility crap. I feel like I’m not only letting myself down, but I’m also letting E and our families down. I know that (most) everything is out of my control, but it’s hard not to blame myself at times. I guess we’ll see what May brings for us. Hopefully it’s good news this time.
I tested this morning. I walked away and came back in the suggested three minutes. A single, glaringly dark pink line was staring back at me. I don’t know why I thought this cycle might be different than every other cycle before it. I’ve been having cramps since Thursday morning and hadn’t experienced one single pregnancy symptom. I had a feeling this cycle was a bust yet again, despite having a fabulous dream about sharing news of a BFP with E and my BFF. Apparently dreams don’t come true. At least right now they don’t.
At this point I’m struggling with a decision. We have the option of doing one more injectable cycle before proceeding with IVF in April. Honestly, I’m not sure if I’m physically, mentally, or emotionally willing to do one more cycle. I want a clear mind and a healthy body before going into IVF. I’ll be calling the RE tomorrow to discuss our options. Right now, I’m probably 90% sure that we’re just going to sit this cycle out.
I wish I had the opportunity to write a better, happier, more positive post. I guess it just wasn’t in the cards for us. Again.