It’s been quite some time since I’ve written a post. So many thoughts have been floating around in my head, but I’ve been finishing up the winter quarter while student teaching full time for the past 3 weeks. I’ve also been trying to wrap my head around this upcoming IVF cycle. I started BCP about 3 weeks ago – right after our last IUI failed. E and I both went in for required blood tests last week. His came back perfectly normal; however, my results revealed a slightly under active thyroid. I’ve been put on S.ynthroid to see if we can get my levels back where they need to be.
My baseline ultrasound and orientation is still scheduled for April 20th – only a month away at this point. I received the paperwork from the IVF clinic at the beginning of the week so I guess this means that this is really happening.
4 years ago when we started TTC, I never thought we would have to resort to IVF. I knew there were going to be some challenges ahead, but never thought there would be this many. As the second anniversary of my first miscarriage looms in the not so distant future, I think to myself – “Will I have a baby by the time this date rolls around next year?”
I’ve also been struggling with the decision of when to call it quits. After almost 4 years of treatments, heartbreak, and constant disappointment, where do we draw the line? E and I have talked and this IVF cycle may be our first and only. If it fails and we were able to freeze embryos, then we will do FET until we get our baby or there are no more. We’ve started to talk about adoption as the next step. However, this may be a challenge since we’re a military family and already know that we will be moving twice in the next two years.
I’ve essentially stopped logging onto F.acebook to protect my heart. Every time I log on, I seem to come across yet another pregnancy announcement. I’m so tired of seeing friends who have lapped me – sometimes not once, but twice – and feeling jealous about it. Am I a bad friend for feeling this way? Sometimes I think I am. Sometimes I don’t think I am. I guess it just depends on the day. I guess all I can do is hope and pray that this works out for us in April/May because this very well might be our last shot at having a biological child to call our own.