Oh hi, remember me?

It’s been quite some time since I’ve written a post. So many thoughts have been floating around in my head, but I’ve been finishing up the winter quarter while student teaching full time for the past 3 weeks. I’ve also been trying to wrap my head around this upcoming IVF cycle. I started BCP about 3 weeks ago – right after our last IUI failed. E and I both went in for required blood tests last week. His came back perfectly normal; however, my results revealed a slightly under active thyroid. I’ve been put on S.ynthroid to see if we can get my levels back where they need to be.

My baseline ultrasound and orientation is still scheduled for April 20th – only a month away at this point. I received the paperwork from the IVF clinic at the beginning of the week so I guess this means that this is really happening.
4 years ago when we started TTC, I never thought we would have to resort to IVF. I knew there were going to be some challenges ahead, but never thought there would be this many. As the second anniversary of my first miscarriage looms in the not so distant future, I think to myself – “Will I have a baby by the time this date rolls around next year?”
I’ve also been struggling with the decision of when to call it quits. After almost 4 years of treatments, heartbreak, and constant disappointment, where do we draw the line? E and I have talked and this IVF cycle may be our first and only. If it fails and we were able to freeze embryos, then we will do FET until we get our baby or there are no more. We’ve started to talk about adoption as the next step. However, this may be a challenge since we’re a military family and already know that we will be moving twice in the next two years.
I’ve essentially stopped logging onto F.acebook to protect my heart. Every time I log on, I seem to come across yet another pregnancy announcement. I’m so tired of seeing friends who have lapped me – sometimes not once, but twice – and feeling jealous about it. Am I a bad friend for feeling this way? Sometimes I think I am. Sometimes I don’t think I am. I guess it just depends on the day. I guess all I can do is hope and pray that this works out for us in April/May because this very well might be our last shot at having a biological child to call our own.
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9 thoughts on “Oh hi, remember me?

  1. Robyn :)

    I'm finally down to ONE friend on Facebook who is pregnant. And one blogger I read. The worst is church, though. We are Mormon and there are always several people. At the moment I do not mind that we do not have kids, yet, but I know what most of them are thinking, especially when they see my husband watching someone's baby or small child. Then I start to doubt myself. I don't blame you for not wanting to get on Facebook.I will pray for you and send positive thoughts 🙂

    Reply
  2. a miracle 4 us

    I hear you loud and clear. We were at 4.5 years when IVF3 finally worked and I had friends that lapped me 3 times. It sucked. I didn't even sign up for FB bc of the reminders I knew would be sitting there. It does seem those that go in and say they will do one cycle get pregnant with that cycle (or FET) so hopefully it will work for you!I know this is clique, but try to do whatever you can to rest and relax before and during the cycle. Whether it be massage, exercise, read, anything that works. It does help. and KEEP busy! Find a friend or two that will know you are doing it (if you aren't telling people tell someone) and have things planned to help keep your mind busy. It doesn't hurt to look at adoption either. We were with IVF3 and it made it a little easier-knowing we had a back up if it didn't work. Hugs!

    Reply
  3. E

    This has got to be so hard. Just from reading your posts, I can see it is. I can't say that I know how you feel, because we haven't started trying for kids yet, but I respect everything you've said and give you so much respect for having the courage to write about it.I don't think you're a bad friend for having those feelings. It's normal. I wish you and your husband the best of luck with whatever decision you make. I know being in the military doesn't make a lot of it very easy.Take care,E

    Reply
  4. Ben and Katie

    Thinking of you sweet friend!I know some of your feelings and emotions but alot I don't…those are the ones I'm praying specifically for!Missed reading your updates even though I'm bad and dont always comment!xoxo

    Reply
  5. Rebecca

    I feel for you. This is our last try at a biological child too. And yes we do move around quite a bit so that adoption is rather difficult. I wish you all the best and hope that IVF works well for you.

    Reply
  6. Kechara

    Praying for you both! Avoiding Facebook doesn't make you a bad friend. If nothing else, you're protecting your friends from your reaction after you hit your breaking point!!

    Reply
  7. Rhe Christine

    i think if you didn't feel that way then that would be bad. I don't think you are alone (as you have read above) at all in how you feel. I think you blog about your experiences so well and they have blessed other people and I think that is wonderful. I have passed your blog on to friends and I know they have appreciated you. Praying for peace and strength

    Reply
  8. Marie Duncan

    I do not think you are a bad friend at all. I am extremely close with the people who are in my sunday school class, and literally every single one of them is pregnant right now. I purposely exclude myself from situations where I know it will be hard. Protect your heart first. Praying for you.

    Reply

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