Monthly Archives: May 2012

IVF = Fail

The title of this post pretty much sums it up. I’m going to keep it brief at this point because I’m still trying to wrap my head around all of this. 
I decided to POAS on Friday morning (9dp3dt) just because I couldn’t hold out any longer. Negative. My RE’s nurse just happened to call and check in that afternoon, so I confessed that I took a test. She told me that it might still be too early and to try again tomorrow or Sunday. I tested again on Saturday. Another negative. Cue the bright red spotting just as I was getting ready to head out to a fellow IFer’s baby shower (if this isn’t irony, I don’t know what is). 
The spotting only lasted for a few hours then stopped. Maybe late implantation? When I woke up on Sunday morning, there was blood, blood, and more blood. There may have been some small clots but it was really hard to tell. I had a strong feeling that this was all over on Friday, but this definitely confirmed it for me. 
I dutifully continued my progesterone and baby aspirin regimen as directed by my RE even though I knew it was worthless at this point. I went in for my beta this morning and to talk about FET with RE nurse. Since my clinic is military-run, fresh IVF cycles are not performed every month. FETs are scheduled based on fresh IVF cycles. The next fresh cycle isn’t scheduled until August, which means no FET for me until August. Looks like I’ll start BCPs and L.upron sometime in July. 
Beta results came in around 2:30 this afternoon – HCG = 0.5 and progesterone = 8.7. While my RE nurse told me that the progesterone is on the low side because of the lack of HCG in my system, I still want to pursue other options/tests before FET. 
Emotionally and mentally, I’m drained. I cried all morning on Friday. Cried Saturday. Cried Sunday. Cried this afternoon. I can’t cry anymore. The odds were in our favor this time – 2 “perfect” embryos were transferred and my body, for some reason, couldn’t support them. I feel so defeated. So lost. Heartbroken. I guess all I can do now is focus on losing these 10 pounds from these meds and be healthier for FET. Maybe next time our ending will be a happy one. 

Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day – probably one of the worst holidays ever created for an infertile woman/couple. Over the past few weeks, the stores have been littered with Mother’s Day present and card displays. Every other commercial seems to be geared towards celebrating Mother’s Day. Hell, even the news this morning had story upon story about this dreadful day. At times, I’ve just wanted to sit on the couch and cry because it’s yet another year that we won’t be able to join in the celebrations. 

To all my ladies out there struggling with infertility – I understand how much today sucks. For those who have been blessed with babies, but only to lose them too soon – I understand how much today sucks. We are still mothers even though our children aren’t here with us physically. They’re still in our hearts though and will remain there forever. 
I really hope by the time this day rolls around next year, I’ll be what society deems a “real” mother. I hope that so many of you who are struggling with infertility and loss can say the same also. 
To my mommy friends – I wish a Happy Mother’s Day to you too – I may be jealous of what you have, but I appreciate you and think you’re the luckiest women in the world. Give your children big hugs today and be thankful that you have someone to call you mom. 
I also wanted to end this post with a poem I found over at Megan’s blog. I think it sums up today very well.  
“Happy Mother’s Day”
It comes around every year;
but when you have empty arms,
it’s very hard to hear.
It’s a day to celebrate a mother,
for all the trials she overcame;
and a reminder to an infertile
of her loneliness and shame.
But what really makes a mother,
Is it just conception and birth?
Or is there something more,
that shows a mother’s worth?
It’s putting your child first,
in everything you do;
it’s sacrifice and determination,
and love and patience too.
An infertile woman makes all her plans,
around a child not yet conceived;
she loves them even though they aren’t here,
more than she ever could have believed.
She appreciates and understands,
what a blessing that children are;
she works hard for just a chance,
that motherhood is not that far.
All odds are stacked against her,
and yet she still has hope;
everyday is another struggle,
finding ways to help her cope.
So even though her arms are empty,
she can still be a mother too;
So say a special “Happy Mother’s Day”
for those waiting for their dreams to come true!

Military Spouse Appreciation Day

milspousebloghop

Household6Diva and Riding the Roller Coaster are hosting a blog hop in honor of Military Spouse Appreciation Day.

I saw this posted on a fellow military spouse’s Facebook page and thought it would be perfect for Military Spouse Appreciation Day. I love all my fellow military spouses! I don’t know what I would do without you all.

Lots of moving…
Moving…
Moving…
Moving far from home…
Moving two cars, three kids and one dog…all riding with HER of course.
Moving sofas to basements because they won’t go in THIShouse; Moving curtains that won’t fit; Moving jobs and certifications and professional development hours.
Moving away from friends;
Moving toward new friends;
Moving her most important luggage: her trunk full of memories.

Often waiting…
Waiting…
Waiting…
Waiting for housing.
Waiting for orders.
Waiting for deployments.
Waiting for phone calls.
Waiting for reunions.
Waiting for the new curtains to arrive.
Waiting for him to come home,
For dinner…AGAIN!

They call her ‘Military Dependent’, but she knows better:
She is fiercely In-Dependent.

She can balance a check book;
Handle the yard work;
Fix a noisy toilet;
Bury the family pet…

She is intimately familiar with drywall anchors and toggle bolts.
She can file the taxes;
Sell a house;
Buy a car;
Or set up a move…
…..all with ONE Power of Attorney.

She welcomes neighbors that don’t welcome her.
She reinvents her career with every PCS; Locates a house in the desert, The Arctic, Or the deep south.
And learns to call them all ‘home’.
She MAKES them all home.

Military Wives are somewhat hasty…
They leap into:
Decorating,
Leadership,
Volunteering,
Career alternatives,
Churches,
And friendships.
They don’t have 15 years to get to know people.
Their roots are short but flexible.
They plant annuals for themselves and perennials for those who come after them.

Military Wives quickly learn to value each other:
They connect over coffee,
Rely on the spouse network,
Accept offers of friendship and favors.
Record addresses in pencil…

Military Wives have a common bond:
The Military Wife has a husband unlike other husbands; his commitment is unique.
He doesn’t have a ‘JOB’
He has a ‘MISSION’ that he can’t just decide to quit…
He’s on-call for his country 24/7.
But for her, he’s the most unreliable guy in town!
His language is foreign
TDY
PCS
OPR
SOS
ACC
BDU
ACU
BAR
CIB
TAD
And so, a Military Wife is a translator for her family and his.
She is the long- distance link to keep them informed; the glue that holds them together.

A Military Wife has her moments:
She wants to wring his neck;
Dye his uniform pink;
Refuse to move to Siberia;
But she pulls herself together.
Give her a few days,
A travel brochure,
A long hot bath,
A pledge to the flag,
A wedding picture,
And she goes.
She packs.
She moves.
She follows.

Why?
What for?
How come?
You may think it is because she has lost her mind.
But actually it is because she has lost her heart .
It was stolen from her by a man,
Who puts duty first,
Who longs to deploy,
Who salutes the flag,
And whose boots in the doorway remind her that as long as he is her Military Husband, She will remain his military wife.
And would have it no other way.

3 Day Transfer

Yesterday afternoon I received another phone call from Dr. P. concerning our remaining 9 embryos. I was told that 7 of the 9 were still growing strong, but the other 2 were lagging behind. I asked if they were going to be discarded and Dr. P told me “No, we’ll keep an eye on them until tomorrow.” I was told that my embryo transfer was scheduled for 3:00 PM the next day (Today). 

Last night, I had to take what seemed like a hundred pills. I had my last antibiotic pill, 4 M.edrols, and my baby aspirin. In addition to all that, I also had to take 2 V.aliums to help relax my uterus in preparation for transfer. Also, I had to shove so much darn progesterone up my lady bits – 1 E.ndometrin, 2 vaginal suppositories, and an applicator filled with progesterone gel. The gel kept seeping out, so I had a breakdown and called Nurse D at almost 11 last night. She told me to wait awhile so the other capsules could be absorbed and try again. The second time around was a success – what a relief!
Since my transfer wasn’t scheduled until 3:00, I decided to teach today. Wednesdays are early release for the students, so it worked out perfectly (I will be taking the day off tomorrow and keeping my feet up) I left school at 1:50, drove over to meet E at his office, and popped my last V.alium. One of the downsides to a transfer is the fact that you’re required to have a full bladder. I started chugging water at noon and by the time 3:00 rolled around, I was extremely uncomfortable. There were 3 other couples waiting before us at the clinic, so I didn’t even get taken back until after 4:00. By this point, I was doing the pee dance like a 5 year old would, so the nurse let me empty out a little bit. 
Thankfully right after this, I was called back into the room. I stripped down from the waist down and Nurse D told me that I was going to get a booster trigger shot to aid in implantation. I wasn’t aware of this, but what’s one more shot at this point? The shot was painless and we moved onto the actual transfer. 
My feet were put up in the stirrups, the speculum was inserted, my cervix was cleaned off, and in went the catheter. The embryologist confirmed my name and asked how many embryos we were transferring. I told her “2”. After that, we watched up on the ultrasound screen and saw our 2 little embryos deposited safely into my uterus. Now we play the waiting game. My first beta isn’t scheduled until May 21. Such a long time to go!
Also, some other good news. We ended up with 6 embryos to freeze. 1 of the stragglers made a comeback! We ended up transferring 2, 8-cell, grade I embryos (My clinic’s top-rated embryos). We’re freezing another 8-cell, grade I embryo, 5, 6-cell embryos (mixed grade I and grade II) and a 4-cell, grade II embryo. We paid the last of our fees for the cryopreservation and storage. Glad to be down with the payments. 
Now we wait. This is going to be the longest two weeks of my life. 
I’ll leave you all with a picture of our embryos being transferred. I can’t stop looking at it. Love at first sight. Embies – please snuggle in and hang out for the next 9 months. Mommy loves you already. 
(It’s hard to tell, but the 2 larger white specks in the
 center of the picture are our embryos!)