Lack of Support

Is there anyone out there who feels a complete lack of support from family members as they pursue fertility treatments? I can’t be the only one. Here’s a perfect example of how my mother doesn’t support me at all.

Last night I called my parents’ house for my weekly check-in. First question that my mom asks, “Are you and E coming to the beach the week of August 19th?”. I’ve known for a few days now that my transfer for FET will be on August 21, so obviously, the answer is no. I proceed to tell her that we won’t be able to make it and completely open up about the reason why. I told her that our April IVF was unsuccessful and that we would be attempting another transfer in August.

After explaining all of this to her, she proceeds to try and guilt-trip me into coming (even though there’s no way possible to make it up to the beach with my treatment schedule). After the guilt is laid on, she says, “Oh did you hear that A (my younger cousin) had her baby not too long ago?” I thought to myself, “Why the eff would I want to hear about my much younger cousin having her first child when I just got done telling you that my IVF cycle failed?”

At that point, I had to lie and said that I had to go. I was furious.

So just when I think this beach situation is all said and done, I get a voicemail from my mom this morning stating that I was being selfish for not making time to go to the beach and that my dad’s feelings were really hurt. If my dad’s feelings were hurt, why wasn’t he the one calling? I think that statement is a load of BS.

If you thought I was furious last night, I was so angry this morning that I was literally shaking. I had to hold myself back from calling her and totally flipping out on her. Instead, I opted to send an email. Here is what I wrote:

Dad, 

Please pass this on to mom because truthfully, I’m too angry to call her and discuss the voicemail that she left me on Monday morning while I was at the gym. 

I don’t understand the need to call and essentially try to guilt-trip me about E and I not being able to come to the shore in a few weeks. I already apologized several times and explained the situation to you last night. If you (Dad) had an issue with this, why weren’t you the one to talk to me about this? I explained this all to you while I was home for my graduation and I thought that we had an understanding. 

I felt that the voicemail was very passive aggressive and unnecessary. My procedure is August 21 (a date that I told you (Mom) several times), not August 22. I have almost daily appointments leading up the procedure; therefore, a trip all the way up to MD is not feasible. Like I said on the phone last night, I didn’t choose this date. I’ve been waiting since our IVF cycle failed in May to move on with the next step. I’m not even sure why I was honest with you about why we couldn’t come. I should have said that E couldn’t have off from work. Why do I feel like this? Well, the obvious lack of support. I know you may not agree with the road we have taken in order to try and have children, but that’s the way it must be. Also, I don’t know why you felt the need to bring up the news about A and her baby when I just got done telling you that our IVF round failed! Why do I want to hear about my much younger, newly married cousin having her first child when I’ve suffered 2 miscarriages and have been trying for over 4 years to have our own child? I have to deal with hearing about friends getting pregnant almost immediately after they started trying or even friends who are pregnant with their second or third child. I don’t need the added reminder from you that someone else gets what I want so badly.  

This is the last time I’m bringing up anything fertility related because I’m going through my cycle right now and don’t need the added stress. I need to be in a positive mindset while I stick myself with needles and take pills in order to give myself a chance of having a child of my own. 

Again, I’m sorry that I messed up your plans, but trying to have a child is more important to me than spending a few days at the beach. I’m sorry that you don’t or can’t see it that way also. 

Lauren

I felt that I was very polite (well as polite as one can be in this situation) and said everything that needed to be said. Do you think I’m overreacting or being too harsh? Has anyone else experienced this? If so, what have you done? 

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6 thoughts on “Lack of Support

  1. Jen

    You are absolutely not overreacting!!!! I have been in this situation so many times with my family and it's frustrating and sad. I really hope that your Mom starts to understand how important having a child of your own is. I'm sorry that you have to go through this. Hugs!!

    Reply
  2. Alison

    Sorry. It must be extremely difficult not having the full support of your parents. Lately I'm discovering that adult child/parent relationships can be just as complicated and frustrating as they were growing up. I do not think you overreacted.

    Reply
  3. Megan

    That makes me so angry FOR you. I'm so sorry you're dealing with that Lauren. I hope your parents pull their heads out of their butts and realize how selfish and unsupportive they're being.

    Reply
  4. Allison

    You are definitely NOT overreacting. Infertility is hard and it's even harder if you don't have the support of those who should be there for you. On top of that, my view about extended family might be different than other's and this might sound a little harsh but in my opinion, once you and E got married, you formed your own family that is more important than the family in which you grew up. You two have to do what's best for you and if that means disappointing people in your extended family, then oh well.

    Reply
  5. Suzy, Not a Fertile Myrtle

    I'm just now catching up on twitter and went back in time (lol) to read your post.I think you were spot on in your email with them. There really isn't anything hurtful that your saying. You're being honest and expressing your dissappointment in their lack of support. You'd think they would WANT you to be home and do IVF so they would have a grandchild. You'd also think they would want YOU to be happy.I'm so sorry you're going through this fourmonths later.Big, big hugs. xoxo

    Reply

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