Monthly Archives: March 2013

Where I Also Blog

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I recently became a contributing author over at Bloggers for Hope. The authors of Bloggers For Hope create posts that are meant to inform readers about a variety of infertility issues and different ways that families can be built. My posts provide information on different types of treatment options, such as IUI and IVF. Currently, I’m writing a series on the various aspects of IVF. Part 1 was posted today and can be found here.

In addition to posts about treatment options, other topics that are covered include: adoption, pregnancy after a loss, and miscarriage and loss. If you’re looking for an informative website with a variety of different experiences and viewpoints, please join us over at Bloggers For Hope.

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Why Surrogacy Is Not For Me

Let me preface this post by saying that these are my personal opinions on surrogacy. I’m not implying in any way that surrogacy shouldn’t be an option for others.

Ever since our first IVF cycle failed, a few people have asked me the question, “Have you ever considered surrogacy?” My response to the question has always been, “We have, but it’s not an option for us.”

Said people have asked why we won’t consider surrogacy as an option to expand our family. I have three reasons.

1. I want to know what it feels like the be pregnant. I want this coveted job. Even though I’ve been pregnant twice (three times if you count the chemical pregnancy), I’ve never actually felt my babies moving. I’ve never felt the kicking. The only thing I’ve felt is the nausea. I want to experience movement. I want to experience labor even though the thought of it terrifies me. I want to see my baby in my stomach up on the ultrasound screen. I’ve been robbed of all these wonderful experiences and moments so far.

2. The chance of another miscarriage. We don’t know why our embryos aren’t sticking around. It could be chromosomal issues or implantation issues. Hell – it could be a combination of both for all we know. I don’t want to risk putting someone else through a miscarriage. Miscarriages are physically, emotionally, and mentally devastating. Based on my past history, I couldn’t risk it.

3. Cost. Surrogates can cost upwards of $20,000+. We didn’t even pay that much money for a round of IVF. If we did decide to go down the surrogacy route and it didn’t work, then we wouldn’t have enough funds for adoption.

Does anyone else share my views (or at least some of them)? I feel like they’re all rational and shows why surrogacy is just not a good option for my family.

Statistics Lie

According to my RE, my clinic’s IVF success rate hovers right around 50%. During our WTF appointment after the disaster known as FET #1, we were encouraged to go through with another IVF cycle in January/February. Since the clinic’s success rate is about 50%, it made sense to go ahead and try again. Our embryos were good quality and we got a decent amount of eggs for a PCOS’er like myself. Statistically, we should have been successful, right?

Statistics were not on my side during IVF #2.

A few days after my transfer, I felt cramping. I started getting nauseous about halfway through the day. I started having food aversions to chicken and avocados. Even though I felt terrible, I felt hopeful. The nausea and food aversions reminded me of my first pregnancy. Deep down, I felt like I was pregnant.

I was told by my nurse on transfer day that I could start testing at 7dp3dt (or 10 dpo). I’m a POAS addict, so of course I wanted to test ASAP. I took a test as soon as I woke up on Friday morning (2 weeks ago). I walked away for awhile to get breakfast for the dogs and to take my morning medications. When I walked back into the bathroom and looked at test, I couldn’t believe my eyes. I saw a second line. It was faint, but it was there. I hadn’t seen a second line since October 2010. I immediately called E to tell him the news. We were both excited, but cautious at the same time. During my second pregnancy, I saw faint lines for days and we all know how that one ended up. My RE nurse called to check up on me that afternoon and I had spilled the beans that I finally got a positive test. She was overjoyed for me and asked I wanted to come in for an early beta. I foolishly declined because I would have had to wait until Tuesday for a follow-up due to President’s Day weekend. I told her that I would just keep peeing on sticks and I would see her on Tuesday morning.

I tested on Saturday and Sunday. More faint lines. I used a different brand of test and had wondered if the first test was more sensitive compared to the newer tests.

I tested on Monday. No second line. Spotting.

Later in the morning – red blood.

I broke down. I crawled back into bed with the dogs and cried for what seemed like hours.

I called E to break the bad news to him. In the almost 12 years that I’ve known E, I’ve heard him cry only a handful of times. This news made him cry. I felt like the worst wife in the world. I broke my husband’s heart. He was so positive throughout this whole cycle and once again my body failed us.

I went in for my worthless beta on Tuesday morning before heading off to work. I started crying before my nurse walked into the room. Her face fell when she saw my face. We talked about the positive, but faint tests, and discussed the possibility of it being a chemical pregnancy.

My beta came back at 0.5. Not pregnant. This seems to be a recurrent theme in my life.

My RE agreed with the possibility of it being a chemical pregnancy because of the 3 days worth of positive pregnancy tests. A third loss. An early loss, but still a loss nonetheless.

I guess the only upside to this round of IVF is that at least one of our embryos tried to stick around. We did have a fighter in there.

Obviously, I’m devastated. I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m heartbroken. I’m confused. In less than a year, we’ve lost 11 embryos.

We have 7 embryos waiting for us right now. Will we have another disastrous thaw? Will there be implantation issues? Will one of the embryos decided that he or she wants to stick around? So many questions, but no answers.

As of right now, I’m not on any fertility-related medications. If CD 1 doesn’t come around by March 21st, then I have to go in for another beta before I can start birth control pills for FET. My baseline ultrasound will be sometime during the last week of March. My transfer should be at the end of April.

I don’t know what to think anymore. I’m scared that this FET could possibly be our last attempt at having biological children.

Right now, I sit and wait. Always waiting.