Statistics Lie

According to my RE, my clinic’s IVF success rate hovers right around 50%. During our WTF appointment after the disaster known as FET #1, we were encouraged to go through with another IVF cycle in January/February. Since the clinic’s success rate is about 50%, it made sense to go ahead and try again. Our embryos were good quality and we got a decent amount of eggs for a PCOS’er like myself. Statistically, we should have been successful, right?

Statistics were not on my side during IVF #2.

A few days after my transfer, I felt cramping. I started getting nauseous about halfway through the day. I started having food aversions to chicken and avocados. Even though I felt terrible, I felt hopeful. The nausea and food aversions reminded me of my first pregnancy. Deep down, I felt like I was pregnant.

I was told by my nurse on transfer day that I could start testing at 7dp3dt (or 10 dpo). I’m a POAS addict, so of course I wanted to test ASAP. I took a test as soon as I woke up on Friday morning (2 weeks ago). I walked away for awhile to get breakfast for the dogs and to take my morning medications. When I walked back into the bathroom and looked at test, I couldn’t believe my eyes. I saw a second line. It was faint, but it was there. I hadn’t seen a second line since October 2010. I immediately called E to tell him the news. We were both excited, but cautious at the same time. During my second pregnancy, I saw faint lines for days and we all know how that one ended up. My RE nurse called to check up on me that afternoon and I had spilled the beans that I finally got a positive test. She was overjoyed for me and asked I wanted to come in for an early beta. I foolishly declined because I would have had to wait until Tuesday for a follow-up due to President’s Day weekend. I told her that I would just keep peeing on sticks and I would see her on Tuesday morning.

I tested on Saturday and Sunday. More faint lines. I used a different brand of test and had wondered if the first test was more sensitive compared to the newer tests.

I tested on Monday. No second line. Spotting.

Later in the morning – red blood.

I broke down. I crawled back into bed with the dogs and cried for what seemed like hours.

I called E to break the bad news to him. In the almost 12 years that I’ve known E, I’ve heard him cry only a handful of times. This news made him cry. I felt like the worst wife in the world. I broke my husband’s heart. He was so positive throughout this whole cycle and once again my body failed us.

I went in for my worthless beta on Tuesday morning before heading off to work. I started crying before my nurse walked into the room. Her face fell when she saw my face. We talked about the positive, but faint tests, and discussed the possibility of it being a chemical pregnancy.

My beta came back at 0.5. Not pregnant. This seems to be a recurrent theme in my life.

My RE agreed with the possibility of it being a chemical pregnancy because of the 3 days worth of positive pregnancy tests. A third loss. An early loss, but still a loss nonetheless.

I guess the only upside to this round of IVF is that at least one of our embryos tried to stick around. We did have a fighter in there.

Obviously, I’m devastated. I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m heartbroken. I’m confused. In less than a year, we’ve lost 11 embryos.

We have 7 embryos waiting for us right now. Will we have another disastrous thaw? Will there be implantation issues? Will one of the embryos decided that he or she wants to stick around? So many questions, but no answers.

As of right now, I’m not on any fertility-related medications. If CD 1 doesn’t come around by March 21st, then I have to go in for another beta before I can start birth control pills for FET. My baseline ultrasound will be sometime during the last week of March. My transfer should be at the end of April.

I don’t know what to think anymore. I’m scared that this FET could possibly be our last attempt at having biological children.

Right now, I sit and wait. Always waiting.


5 thoughts on “Statistics Lie

  1. Ash@Life As Lucy

    my gosh lauren. i have no words. i have virtual hugs. and virtual love. i've been following you for so long now- and i ache every time i see another failed attempt at you getting pregnant. i hate that life can be so unfair but i love that you are hanging in there and striving through the pain. You are a hero in my eyes ❤

  2. Cass N

    my heart breaks for you and E, Lauren. You WILL have a baby I know this in my heart. Have you tried Evening Primrose oil? Prenatal vitamins? Green Tea? Chakra Balancing massages? Acupuncture? I'm pulling this all out of what I have and will try. I recently had ANOTHER chem. preg. this past month, [I thought valentine's would be THE Day I told J the good news]. Instead I plan on talking to my RE about another possible med to try. Femera if I'm not mistaken. I'm thinking of you believe it sugar. You will have your kiddo.Cass

  3. Rebecca

    So sorry about your recent loss. Those statistics are never right I swear. The clinic I'll be using for the donor FET is listed at around 70%. I'll believe it when I get a baby.Wishing you the best of luck with this FET coming up.


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