This is the fourth week of Thursday Thoughts hosted by Wifey, over at Wife of a Sailor. Every Wednesday, Wifey will post a new word that blog posts should be centered around. On Thursday, you’ll post your thoughts and head over to her blog to link up and share your post.
This week’s word is – Decisions
Wow. What a word that conjures up a HUGE amount of emotions. Decisions.
Last week we were faced with one of our biggest decisions as a couple after we found out that our third and final FET wasn’t successful. Do we embark on a third round of IVF or do we stop fertility treatments for the forseeable future and pursue adoption instead?
I kept quiet about this FET cycle on the blog purely for superstitious reasons. I blogged openly about our IUI, IVF, and FET cycles in the past and clearly none of those cycles were successful. I thought if I kept things under wraps for the most part, things would turn out differently. In addition to not blogging about our most recent experience, we also changed our treatment protocol completely. Instead of estrogen and progesterone inserts, we pulled out the big guns. IM injections. Damn they hurt, but if they would help me get pregnant and stay pregnant, the pain and lumps would be worth it a million times over.
E dutifully gave me my estrogen shots every third night in the beginning and then added in daily PIO shots a few days before our transfer. We drove down to North Carolina on August 19th and hoped that all three of our remaining embryos would have survived the thaw. Unfortunately, only one of the three survived. We thought out loud that this embryo was a fighter and had to be the one to stick around for the next nine months. Our RE and nurse both felt confident. Our little fighter was grade I and was already dividing.
Last Thursday, we received the devastating news that this baby wasn’t meant to be. We couldn’t believe that over the span of two years, we lost 18 embryos. 18 embryos. What a terribly large number. In addition to finding out about our negative beta, we also had to pile in the car with two of E’s cousins to head up to Pennsylvania for his grandfather’s funeral. Not only did we have to deal with the emotions surrounding his grandfather’s death, we also had to try and process the end of a chapter in our own lives.
I haven’t really had a chance to cry, yell, and scream, but the feelings of sadness, anger, bitterness, and resentment are all present and accounted for. After a few intense conversations, we came to a mutual decision that it’s time to close the almost six year chapter of trying to conceive and open the adoption chapter. As of right now, we’re researching agencies, talking with friends who have been through the adoption process in the past, and generally dealing with the emotions that come along with everything that has been going on.
My body is beat up. My heart literally hurts. My brain cannot even begin to process going through another round of treatment. While I’m grieving because I’ll never carry another child, I want to be a mother. I want E to be a father. It doesn’t matter how we get there, I just want to make it happen.
Right now – we’ll get there. Through domestic infant adoption. That is our final decision.
I hope you’ll continue to stick around and join us as we begin this new chapter in our lives.